5 Reasons Not To Have (More) Kids: Part One

There was a pretty awesome article — “5 Reasons Not To Have Kids,”  by Jessica Valenti 
— on the Publishers Weekly website recently. It was about why we should not be having more children. It is funny, as we have a million debates about this topic in my home right now, and it always come down to a few important points, which also came up in this article.

The first being…

“1. Our society does not support mothers. The United States is the only industrialized nation without paid maternity leave, putting families and children at severe economic risk. And due to the distinctly American belief that child care is a personal — not a political — issue, there is very little momentum behind changing the status quo. Parents are too busy fighting over breast vs. formula feeding to mobilize for lasting change.”

Okay…so we have 12 months in Canada. It is awesome. Maternity leave in the States is much shorter, and that totally sucks as I could not even imagine leaving a 2-month-old.

But still, even at 12 months they are very small. They are still likely breastfeeding, and they have very few words. They can’t tell how terrible daycare is, or how great. They are not even fully walking. And FYI: you will miss that milestone for sure.

Child care for 12-month-olds is soo expensive and crappy. All they really need is their mama. Well, they don’t have her, and daycares take complete advantage of the guilt and the enormous amount of work it takes to replace us beautiful mamas.

Yes, it is all political, but more than that, as the author shares, it is VERY personal. It is this personal piece that the current daycare system manipulates, creating a whole new level of debt for the working professional.

I say hell no.

-Gray Mama

Number Two

I am so not into being a parent. I love my daughter, I really do, but I am never going to get
excited about mom-to-mom sales or soccer practice or anything where I’m forced to identify
myself as a parent. I have no problem telling people I’m Cookie’s mom, but I stay away from
calling myself “a mom.” Delusions, semantics, whatever…I’m struggling with my identity here, people, so just give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m raising my child in a safe, loving, stimulating home, and that’s the important thing.

But now everyone I know seems to be pregnant (including our own Tightrope Mama — I’m sooo excited about that pending arrival!) or has just had their second child. I’m not entirely sure why— it was actually a pretty mild winter, so was there just nothing on TV? This means the big question — “Are you going to have another?” — comes up a lot in conversation, and when it does, I panic. I just don’t know how to answer it. Part of me wants a vibrant home full of fridge art and people who love and support each other, not a quiet little WASPish cluster of three, but part of me wants to just be ME. Not a parent. With one kid, you can come off as being a fun, funky couple who just happens to have an adorable, brilliant child; you can travel and eat in nice restaurants with minimal chaos; you can wear nice clothes a good forty percent of the time. But with two, you’re a “family.” All of a sudden, preparing healthy snacks and researching organized activities is your life, rather than something you sneak in during commercial breaks of The Daily Show after the kid has gone to bed. Restaurant dining happens at the McDonald’s with the best play place. Laundry is a career unto itself. I totally realize that I can be a parent and be my own person, but I’m pretty sure that with more than one kid that would only realistically be feasible if I had help (see our “I Don’t Know How She Does It” post or, say, Angelina Jolie, and you’ll understand). Well, I don’t want help. I don’t have room.

Keep in mind that this is just my point of view, reflecting my limitations. You may have
boundless energy and willpower and babysitters in your Contacts folder, so you’re entitled to
disagree. But I think it explains part of why I’m so hesitant to jump right in and get pregnant.

And then there’s the family dynamic. Hasn’t our relationship already suffered enough? Will
Cookie continue to thrive? I’m so looking forward to finding time to watch this documentary on CBC, Sibling Rivalry: Near, Dear and Dangerous, about siblings who hate each other. That should add some fun shit to the debate.

When I confess my misgivings about having a second to people, they inevitably ask, “How does your husband feel?” I wish I knew. When I ask him, he says he’s just as baffled and on the fence as I am, but he’s probably just humouring me. Really, all I want is a strong opinion, one way or the other, just this once. Please?

On top of everything, we’re operating under a deadline. As my doctor likes to remind me, I’m
running out of time. Charming. Decisions must be made. The debate will continue.

-East End Mama

[image: big sister tee via etsy]