Big Brother

Okay, I had a second baby, and of course along with the joy, pain, nipple callouses, etc.,
came my old friend GUILT.

W, my first son, is two and a half, and while I knew that a new baby would come with its
challenges for all of us, I anticipated it would be hardest for him. I was right.

I myself am an only child so I really can’t relate to the whole sibling love/hate thing, but
I have witnessed it many times with friends and family. My husband and I talked a lot
about the baby beforehand to prepare W. We encouraged him to be a “Big Boy” with a
new bed, some new toys, swimming lessons, a potty (FAIL), giving up bottles (but not
soothers) for the baby, etc., etc.

At first everything was going pretty well. W came to the hospital and was moderately
interested in his new sister. He held her and kissed her, was very gentle, and then
occupied himself with the magical hospital bed for about 45 minutes. When we
came home, he wanted to sit with her and have his picture taken with her. Again, I
thought, “Okay, this is pretty good. “

But this is week #3, and I think W has realized a few things, namely that the baby is
staying and sometimes I HAVE to put her needs over his. The rational part of my brain
knows that this is normal and I have to help the infant, and that though W is crying
hysterically, the “booboo” he has from throwing himself off the bottom step to get my
attention is not life threatening. He is also doing all the classic things, like needing help
with tasks he could accomplish ten days ago and talking baby talk. He has been throwing
things and refusing to get dressed for daycare (very unlike him), and though I stay calm, I
do get firm when the situation demands it.

Even though everyone (teachers, friends, grandparents) brushes this behaviour off
as “normal,” I find it gut-wrenching and difficult to watch. My heart is bleeding for this
little man and I totally get that the conflicting emotions of jealousy and love that he feels
for his sister are very complicated and extremely challenging for a two-and-a-half-year-
old to tame, let alone articulate. I don’t want to go overboard here, but some of the looks
he is giving me are downright heart wrenching.

Then I see it, the familiar look in his eyes — GUILT. I am passing this terrible,
complicated emotion down to him either by DNA or by example (probably both). He
immediately knows that he is doing the wrong thing or acting the wrong way, and so the
tears start to flow. He works himself up into a big whirlwind of emotion because he can’t
seem to say “I’m sorry” or “I acted this way because…” How can we expect a little kid
to handle these huge feelings with dignity when most adults can’t even give meaningful
apologies?

I know that this too shall pass and I know that my son has a wonderful heart that loves
his sister, and that good will prevail. I just have to keep reminding my self of that old
mommy mantra, “I am doing the best I can.” I am loving both my kids and starting
to understand that it takes more than love to raise your kids. You have to try and get
inside their little brains and put yourself in their tiny dino rain boots as often as you can.
Looking at the past few weeks from W’s eyes, I think I might break a few crayons too.

-Tightrope Mama