The Evolution of Gossip

 A couple of weeks ago a young girl in Nova Scotia attempted to end her life and ultimately succeeded. For over a year she was persecuted after being sexually assaulted by four boys at a party — the cell phone picture was sent around her school; her classmates called her a slut; her friends abandoned her. School staff claimed they knew nothing of what was happening to her. The police said there was not enough evidence to act. Her mother moved her family twice to help her daughter try to escape her pain, but since the photo was online and out there her pain only followed her. It continues to follow her after death; a photo of her smoking a joint was posted to show what she was “really like.” (Okay, first of all, she was a teen, so she was “really like” a teen. And second, apparently it was taken after the incident and the subsequent persecution, so one can hardly blame her. And third: really? REALLY? The mind reels.)

Initial calls after her death to reopen her case were shot down by the province’s premier. Only when the outcry became too loud to ignore did anything happen.

This story demonstrates both the best and worst of new technology and social media: how it was used as a tool to break a child, and how it was used to make her story known and force the powers that be to do their jobs and protect her. Far too late, of course. We thought we’d learned this lesson last year in a similar case in British Columbia, but apparently not.

I’m not going to write any more about the events and the repercussions. It has broken my heart. I’m simply going to write to my daughter.

Dear Cookie,

People are cruel, and they always will be, and there’s not much you can do about it. Often they don’t mean to be; they’re just protecting themselves, and you will come to understand why.

At some point something humiliating and hurtful will happen to you. Maybe it will be the result of a mistake you made, or maybe it will be for no good reason you can think of; both are possible and probable and neither are really your fault. Mistakes are allowed. In fact, many are encouraged. Life isn’t worth living if you’re not allowed to make a mistake now and then. Your daddy and I will not judge for the occasional mistake. We only want to guide you. And for you to talk to us.

Because of this mistake or this no good reason, people will say and do cruel things and post them on whatever your generation’s equivalent of Instagram or Twitter will be and then everyone will see your humiliation. This is pretty much inevitable. When we were your age, your daddy and I did the occasional stupid thing and our friends laughed about it, but the gossip died a natural death because of the logistics involved with sharing the source of our humiliation (etching the image in lead; making paper from wood pulp; printing one page at a time using brute force; distributing via horseback, etc.). Unfortunately, you don’t have the luxury of such technology. Your mistakes or unfair persecution will be broadcast instantly and widely and will follow you wherever you go.

You must remember this: you are not alone. Mainly because this will happen to everyone you know. When this does happen to someone you know, think of how you would feel. Consider what you would need from them. Be their friend, please. If you need help being their friend, talk to us.

You are also not alone because, of course, always, we are there for you. We will do anything and everything we can do. You just have to talk to us. This will be hard, very hard, because it will involve admitting to things you don’t want us to know about you or telling us about things you just don’t understand. When you feel like telling us but just can’t bring yourself to do so, remember that we were your age once too and we did stupid things or had things said about us for reasons we didn’t understand. All adults did, even your teachers. If you’re not ready to talk to us, talk to a teacher you feel you can trust. If they won’t listen or help, please please please talk to us. We will understand. We will hug you until you can’t stand it. We will yell and fight and pester until something is done. (We will try not to embarrass you, we promise.)

People are naturally scared and vulnerable, just like you, which is the main reason they do the cruel things they do. They don’t really want to hurt you in particular, most of the time. They just want to divert attention from themselves so they don’t get hurt. This is an ancient and instinctive behaviour that we have little need for today, which is why you won’t do it, right? So if someone does or says something horribly cruel and hurtful to you or a friend, do not take it personally. It’s rarely personal. It’s rarely about you or your friend. It’s important you remember this and remind yourself or your friend over and over. It’s simply not your fault, and it won’t last forever, even if it seems as if it will, and there are always things that can be done about it.

Maybe this won’t happen to you, though. Because people can be cruel, but they’re also caring and generous and there for you when you need them. You just have to let them know that you need them. Please let us know when you need us. Please.

Love,

East End Mama

[image: MaiAutumn Bird Print via etsy]