Starts

As I sit down to write my first blog entry, wondering what the topic should be,  the voice in my head keeps shouting, “Start! Just start!”

This voice is there a lot. Which makes me realize a huge part of my motherhood

experience is about starting things. Just getting up and facing the day can sometimes be the hardest thing I do. (I don’t mean to sound overly dramatic; no need to call in the Xanax.) 


Sometimes I lie there dreaming of the days before my human alarm clock, when I didn’t urgently have to feed the dog, make the bottle, go pee, brush my mouthguard — all before I had even been up ten minutes.

START — just get going! A feeling I have a lot. Sometimes at work I sit and stare at

a blank email for ages, silently urging myself to start typing. Sometimes at home I let

myself watch Top Chef just until the next commercial before I start the dishes…

Right now my least favourite thing to start is meals. I hate mealtime with all my heart.

I love eating, I enjoy looking at recipes, and I like thinking about what to cook, but

I DREAD actually making meals. The older my son W gets, the more I feel like I’m

constantly starting to prepare a meal — or finding ways to avoid it. Just this morning,

knowing he was starving, I threw him an animal cookie to tide him over until daycare,

where a nice hot meal was waiting for him. Score! One start narrowly avoided.

Cooking isn’t the only thing I hate starting. There’s a huge assortment of things most

women have to start that I personally dread, such as

• cleaning the bathroom
• doing the dishes
• making a grocery list (you get the picture — housework)
• dating (luckily over)
• a new job
• thinking about my wardrobe (or lack thereof)
• my period
• planning baby number two

and I could go on…

The definition of “start” is “to begin or set out, as on a journey or activity.” Well, that

sounds exciting! I suppose I should start viewing grocery shopping as an exciting

journey into nourishment. Here I come, No Frills! (Side note for future blog entry: the

metaphor of No Frills in relation to my life.)

Why is simply starting to type out my thoughts so challenging? Is it because I have

too much to say, or because I fear I really have nothing to say about mommyhood that

hasn’t already been said a million ways a million times by a million women? People

always tell me, “You should write these stories down” or, shockingly, “Your stories

should be a stand-up act.” (The latter is NEVER happening, FYI.) So here I am, finally

putting fingers to keys. I hope this is the start (there’s that word again) of something

long-lasting. I hope this blog becomes something lasting for me and the other amazing

women, moms, wives, and friends I have met through the experience of having W.

Ah, W — my greatest (and hardest) start. The catalyst for most of my daily starts but the

one I hope I am never, ever finished with. Unlike dinner.  Fuck you, dinner.

-Tightrope Mama