Surprise!

Here is a list of some shit I wasn’t expecting that happened to me after W was
born.

•I don’t care as much about my dog, who was my “baby” pre-W.

•People at work tell me I am “nicer now.”

•I get a headache if I don’t have coffee within 20 minutes of being awake.

•I get drunk faster — like, two glasses is all it takes.

•I feel terribly, horribly guilty for sleeping in ’til 1:30 in the afternoon today,
mainly because I am not sick and there are dishes in the sink!

•I lose patience with my physiotherapist for talking slowly and making me
sign the same three forms every time I come in.

•I have a physiotherapist.

•I spend hours on the Internet googling things like, “Should babies brush
their teeth?” “easy slow cooker meals,” and “easy one-pot meals.”

•I am head-over-heels, can’t-live-without-it, in capital “L” Love with
soothers. There are soothers in all my pockets and purses. I was always a
person who would look at soother kids with disdain and think, “My kid will
never…” Well, he does.

•I have given up my passion for ultimate frisbee and organized recreational
sport in general.

•I can no longer watch Intervention because I can’t see baby pictures of
addicts and hear the voice-over of their parents saying how he/she was
such a happy baby…too sad and scary.

•I can’t watch “super nanny”-type shows because listening to other
people’s children scream and disobey is not entertainment, it is torture.

•The only channel I watch now is Food Network.

•My nipples point downwards.

-Tightrope Mama

[image source: marthastewart.com]