Mother / Daughter

I'm so troubled by the thought that history may repeat itself and that one January

30 years from now my daughter will sit across from her best friend and bitch about me.

She will unabashedly question how I live and spend my days. She will dig way back into her childhood for glimpses of the me that resembles the person I will be at 60. She will wonder if I was always crazy or if I am just in menopause. She will sip wine and roll her eyes as she wonders who raised her. She will say things like, “God, she’s acting absolutely fucked,” and, “Fuck, why would she DO that?”

My mom and I ended our Christmas together on less than great terms, and as a result the following things have happened to me in the last 7 days: I’ve cried at acupuncture, eaten 3 chocolate oranges, and had 2 nightmares. I am intrigued and confused by the moment in our lives when we all stop seeing our parents as leaders. Does this happen to everyone? Only women? Only people with their own kids? Only me? Why do I see so many faults in a woman I love so much and who I know loves me so much more?

I am saddened that I have to think about the complexities of our relationship. I have a husband now and two kids, I have to limit the amount of time I can really dedicate to outside drama, but I obviously can’t ignore that clearly so much is changing. I called my mom today to dissect “the Christmas episode” and I think it went well. I spoke without crying and I said what I thought. I felt like someone who leads a family, because I am. That isn’t her so much anymore — it’s me. I am sure that is hard for her; it’s strange even for me. I need there to be some mystique in our relationship at the moment. As in: I have parts I don’t share with her. My house is not her house, my marriage is not her marriage, and I am not the mother that she was.

So many of my girlfriends and I have talked about our moms recently, and many of us (some have kids, some don’t) seem to be confronting lots of mom-issues and are coming up empty when we try to search for answers. We label them depressed, anxious, controlling, withdrawn, but then inevitably move on to talking about other things. How can anyone ever truly tackle an issue as big as MOM?

All I know is that my sweet baby girl who currently smells like sour milk will eventually one day reek of sour grapes and there is nothing I can likely do to stop that.

Fellow moms, is there hope for LouLou and I? Because right now I am feeling just a tad at a loss.

-Tightrope Mama

[image: by Lisa Golightly at kikiandpolly]