Goodbyes

I was just in looking at Lo laying in bed and soundly sleeping and wishing that I could pick him up and hold him …..

I am always saying goodbye these days…I am waking up in the morning and having some special time with Lo before the world begins.  I get up to calls from the other room -  Momma, Momma, Momma literally.  I always wonder how long he is saying that before I actually wake up….I am thinking the first time! It's a left over skill from the early months.  I go in and he wants to read some books in his crib, he has his favorites from the night before and he gets all excited about continuing the adventure  from the night before.  Then he is ready to get out of the crib and it is a struggle to get his diaper changed as he wants to start exploring the upstairs as soon as possible.  The first destination is our bedroom, he runs in with excitement and yells daddy….. I let it happen every morning…maybe cruel for my husband but Lo is soo happy to be the first to say hello to his daddy.  Then we finally get to the bathroom - and attempt to brush his teeth - its getting better…..Then downstairs.

As he travels down the stair he notices his shadow on the way down as we get closer to the bottom.  He then stops and waves "hello".  Then the sprint begins….breakfast, showers, lunches, ironing,, coffee …. Then goodbye.

The drop off at the day care is getting better.  I am able to walk Lo to his chair at the table with his new friends and caregivers….and say goodbye.  He now looks at me through the corner of his eye as I walk out the door. 

Then I don't see him for 9 hours…..ok so he sleeps for three of those…so he really is not seeing us for 6 hours…a bit of a equation that makes me feel better…but I wonder often how it impacts him.

Then he gets home - which is one of the best parts of the day.  He is excited to be home and run around.  But also open for hugs and adventures with us.  He has this awesome skill these days of getting us to walk along side him in the house, he will grab my hand, and push the side of my leg to get up and then motion to walk forward and then the two of us walk along the "run way" on the main floor.

Then I am either working at night, or go to school or have the privilege of taking Lo to the "pool".  Yes he calls the bath the "pool" - hilarious. 

Then it is good night.

So as I was looking down at Lo tonight my heart ached - it ached as I miss him - I miss having hours to ourselves to play or whatever, to go for a walk, go to the park, go to our mom's group, to go on the "busssss" or see something new. 

Now I know the grass is always greener…I totally remember the tough days and being tired all of the time…but I was thinking the problems and struggles we have as mom's are exactly that - struggles and are intended for us as women - as mothers.  The struggles outside of motherhood just seem so meaningless when you have a little babes growing up in front of you and realizing that all of those struggles are part of growing up for both of you.  They are the most important journey that all of us are on…whether we love it or not.

I just wish I did not have to say goodbye so much…..it kills me.

-Gray Mama

[image source: etsy/sadieolive]