Peeing on a stick

I have only peed on a pregnancy test twice in my life and both times they were
positive. Yes, for those of you keeping track that means I’m pregnant again.

Peeing on a stick is nerve wracking no matter who you are. Whether you are 15 or
30 or 45, waiting those precious seconds for the answer is like watching your whole
life as you know it flash before your eyes.

Sometimes you desperately want a ‘yes’ and see a ‘no’. Sometimes the opposite is
true. Sometimes you are merely confirming what your instincts and cravings and
exhaustion have already told you.

W is 19 months now so he will be 2 years and 3 months when New arrives. That
is what I am going to call the impending family member, “New”, I was going to call
it “Change” but that doesn’t sounds as flattering.

Even though I have given birth, I am still nervous and it is still months away. Even
though I have nursed, I am super scared. But one thing I do know is that I LOVE W’s
laugh and his tight hugs, which also include rocking back and forth and sometimes
humming. I do know that I am good at sleep training and napping when they nap,
and lots of other things.

Mat leave does seem daunting, oddly. I feel like I just got back and made all these
speeches about the treatment of mothers and here I am, ‘running off’ again. I know,
it is my right and this is the most important job, but I was kind of used to making
myself feel important again.

And here are some positives: I am sleeping without guilt. I am eating chocolate
everyday. I have an excuse not to go to anything I don’t want too (sorry, too tired!).

The news is still new and sinking in – do you ever really get used to it? I don’t know.
Only my husband and I know, so it’s still a secret and so not quite real. I know the
realness is coming but for now I am hibernating and enjoying life as I know it.

-Tightrope Mama