“Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom” by: Amy Chua

I first learned of this book while reading a completely compelling, heart
wrenching article about an entirely different kind of parenting then the one
explored in this book. There is a link to this article at the bottom of this post; I
can’t put it here because if you read it now you will cry so hard your eyes will go
blurry.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is one woman's struggle to raise her half
Chinese, half Jewish daughters in the ‘Asian’ way (hours and hours of piano and
violin practice, no sleepovers, no school plays and A’s are the only acceptable
grade - among other seemingly strict guidelines). While I can't imagine practicing
most of what she preaches (I am what she would likely call a soft Western,
guilt ridden parent) I devoured this quick read and found it to be extremely
thought provoking. It made me think not only about my own parenting but
also my upbringing (there was no Asian discipline in my house, not that I am
complaining, but it did result in many half hearted attempts at various instruments
and sports throughout my life). She writes, “Western parents worry a lot about
their children’s self esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do
for your child’s self-esteem is let them give up.” I underlined this passage and am
still mulling that over.

Much has been said in the mainstream media about this book, just Google it, but
what I found refreshing, and what I think a lot of the reviews failed to recognize
was acknowledging Amy’s honesty. As I have written before, I don’t think moms
are ever given enough credit for talking candidly about our unique experiences.
It is hard and painful to truly let people in to your daily life, especially when
it pertains to your partner and your kids. Your closest friends, let alone total
strangers with the anonymity of the Internet shielding them, often pick even the
most minute parenting decision apart.

Amy Chua knew full well that she was struggling and that her precious
relationship with her youngest daughter was slipping away when she sat down
to write this book. She knew her husband was none to happy about her behavior
as a mom at the time, and she knew her own Chinese mom wanted her to ease up.
She knew that she was making some mistakes but she wrote it all down so that
others could not only learn but also possibly feel relieved that even strict Chinese
Yale professors screw up sometimes.

What was always evident in the book is that she loves her kids, and she knows
what they are capable of - Julliard, Carnegie hall, and top of the class, the
works. She knew that she wouldn’t sleep at night unless her girls were giving
their absolute best at everything, she saw it as her duty to prepare them as fully
as she could for adult life the only way she knew how – with discipline. She
writes “My goal as a parent it so prepare (my kids) for the future – not to make
(them) like me.”.

A passage that struck me (and a lot of reviewers) was an instance when she
refused to accept handmade birthday cards from her daughters. She knew the
girls quickly made the cards and put no thought whatsoever in to the hastily
written “I love you Mommy” messages. They treated her as an afterthought and
she didn’t hesitate to tell them that was not OK. She requested they spend a little
more time on the project and try again, she also asked them how they would feel
if she put that little effort in to their birthdays (Genius!). They remade the cards
and she kept them forever. Honestly, I am a relatively new mom but I get where
she is coming from. Amy was doing it all – dog walks, piano lessons, full time
job, the works and she wanted some good old fashioned R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It is a
ballsy thing in this society to tell your kids everything they touch isn’t magic but
sometimes it needs to be said. When Googling Amy after reading the book, I
found her daughter’s response in the NY Post where she talks about what she
learned from the birthday card experience;

“Everybody’s talking about the birthday cards we once made for
you, which you rejected because they weren’t good enough. Funny
how some people are convinced that Lulu and I are scarred for life.
Maybe if I had poured my heart into it, I would have been upset.
But let’s face it: The card was feeble, and I was busted. It took me
30 seconds; I didn’t even sharpen the pencil. That’s why, when you
rejected it, I didn’t feel you were rejecting me. If I actually tried my
best at something, you’d never throw it back in my face.”

Finally, there is just one more passage that I have to share, she writes:
“It’s not easy to make your kids work when they don’t want to, to put in grueling
hours when your own youth is slipping away, to convince your kids they can do
something when they (and maybe even you) are fearful that they can’t”.
Your own youth is slipping away – Amen.

Even before reading this, I knew I wasn’t a Tiger Mom, but I am going to do a
little research on the Chinese Zodiac and get myself a mascot. I think a motto
and a firm resolution in certain areas could be a very useful thing.

*Here is the article where I first heard of Tiger Mom, please do read it but be
warned, you will cry. It is heart wrenching.


-Tightrope Mama


source: Chua, Amy. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Penguin paperback edition, 2011.