Re: Work

Like a child on her first day of school, I set out this morning for a new adventure. J-man is
almost two and a half, and so for the last three years my life has almost exclusively been about him. But not today. Today I start a new job. A new career, really. One that will require complete dedication. One where I compete with twenty-somethings willing to work twenty-four hours a day. A job where being a mom is a liability. Today I tip-toed around the house and was out the door before J-man awoke.

Last year I couldn’t do this. J-man was still waking multiple times per night, staying up well past 10pm, and my only real sleep was in the period of the morning that I used today to shower, dress, and have a quick bite. I spent almost two years walking around like a total zombie. Today I feel ready. J-man is almost a real little boy and he doesn’t really need his mommy to get him ready for pre-school. His dad is more than capable of taking care of that.

The real problem is that I am not totally certain that I am ready to let go. Okay, that’s a lie; I
know that I am not ready to let go. I am distraught about not being there when he wakes up.
Beside myself, really. I am afraid of how much I will miss, the important time, and I resent that
the only way I can improve professionally is to take time away from my family. He has grown up so fast, and not seeing him in the mornings, not taking him to daycare… well, it plain ol’ breaks my heart!

When I think about it rationally, I actually think it will be good for the relationship between J-man and his dad. He is a wonderfully loving father, but my overbearing mothering style allows him to be a bit stand-offish. I am clearly the primary parent. Not by necessity but by design. This does not mirror the family that I grew up in nor is it the stereotype that I want J-man to internalize. It is also probably a bit selfish as frankly I don’t leave them as much space as I probably should.

In any event, mother guilt and my broken heart aside, today I discover what it will really take
to balance a true career with being the mom that I want to be. Today I start to depend on my
spouse, my parents, and our friends. Today the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” will be put into practice. Today I learn to cope with sharing my time, my life, my son. Wish me luck — it is a new adventure.

-Sleepwalking Mama

[image: vintage scale via Pinterest]