Three Lists that Speak for Themselves, from BlogHer 2013

Nine and a Half Dead Giveaways that You're at an All-Woman Conference

1. Swag includes press-on nails and plastic boobs.

2. The conference organizers politely ask that attendees NOT clear their own plates after meals (it makes the servers redundant).

3. Bathroom lineups (obviously).

4. All the booze is white and/or sparkling wine with a hint of peach (could be just an American thing in general).

5. There's a nursing station.

5.5. And children present.

6. "Do you suffer from excessive menstrual bleeding?" is a question you will be asked on the exhibit floor.

7. Lots of women seen carrying their heels and walking barefoot to the shuttle bus.

8. The husbands are the arm candy, not the wives.

9. The presidential suite at the Sheraton is trashed by crafters.

Six Crazy Things People Said This Weekend

1. "The longest line in this place is at the Trojan booth. And I can't even take lube in my carry-on."

2. "Let me buy you a shot. You look like you're worn out."

3. "I can't find my ID, but here's a card that says I can take your kids away."
4. "He was the first guy to go down on me and it was disgusting. I had to take a shower after. Ahh, here's a picture of my daughter!"
5. "Wow! That's deep! Deep humour!" (attributed to Queen Latifah)
6. All the lyrics to Blurred Lines. (entirely inappropriate to play at a women's conference, FYI)

Three Things to Do with Jockey Boob Measurement Swag

Yes! Boob Measurement Swag! Jockey, in a shocking bid to become the most environmentally unfriendly company in America, provided each attendee with multiple plastic boob cups (numbered one to ten) and a measuring tape. They also provided a nifty discount certificate, which was nice, to be fair. But revolutionize bra measurement? One to ten? No more D cup?

While other attendees dumped the unwieldy boob cups in Parlour C, the swag exchange room, we hauled ours back to the Inn of Chicago and pondered.

After some musing, here's how we propose to put them to alternate use:

1. Masks for a theatre production

2. Body augmentation

 

3. Creamer bowls, card holders, or snack dishes (controversial -- very plasticky! Check first with WHO).

Please, send us your suggestions. Or better yet, send them directly to Jockey!

@Jockey

Recover and Lean In

It is Day 2 at the BlogHer 2013 Conference. We had a wonderful night out: ate a great dinner at Frontera Grill and danced the night away at a pub down the street. Then this morning we had to gingerly awake for an awesome chat with Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook.

The discussion was about her book and movement called Lean In. The book has received mixed reviews. There are critics that say it is too feminist, that it is not feminist enough...that it is just an Oprah-type book that the common will pick up and throw away. The most ironic thing is that all of the criticism that the book has received is exactly what the Facebook COO would predict would happen.  Sheryl Sandberg is a women sharing a very unpopular message about gender in this world -- and of course people would be upset -- and it is shaking the discourse we know and live everyday.

I have read the book and have really appreciated the honesty and courage that is shared in Sandberg's message and practical examples. Yes, she is a very privileged white woman, with an amazing education, wealth, and a partner, but she is still able to speak to all women in the book. She is able to connect with the CEOs and managers, the stay-at-home mothers and entrepeneurs...this is maybe a stretch, but also the lonely and isolated (this could be debated). There is one thing for sure: she has been able to inspire millions of women across the globe to "lean in." She has inspired women to start sitting at the tables, to take opportunities, and to work further towards being leaders, whether that be in communities, families, or workplaces.

Inevitably she spoke today about being a mother and working as a COO. She spoke about sexism she has experienced and how she was able to lean in and start to further pick away at the historical walls that have been put up in front of women for hundreds of years. In her practical examples, she was able to convey that women can take opportunities to challenge the status quo and speak up for what they want and need, especially in a workplace where there are laws and policies to guide appropriate treatment of all employees. All companies have a responsibility to have all human rights upheld -- that includes women being treated equally.

Sheryl did mention the fear of leaning in and spoke about the possible economic consequences of speaking up, especially in the male-dominated sphere of the workplace. She challenged all of us in the room to think about this: What would we do if we weren't afraid? What a difficult question. We all wrote down what we would do:

It was an exercised that encouraged all of us to really unpack in a simple way what is holding us back.  What are the barriers that are in front of me because I am a woman? Then begin the next discussion: How can we no longer be afraid? The Facebook COO said that we have to "change our internal game."  We have to change the challenges into opportunities and work on releasing the internal struggle and learned helplessness that has become of the reality for women all over the world. She then suggested that we work towards changing our own communities, workplaces, and network one small step at a time

We need to take that leap and Lean In.

I was inspired by the talk today, and I feel really lucky to already have my very own "Lean In Circle."  These circles were spoken about today as groups of peers that come together to speak about being a women, to discuss the challenges and figure out creative ways to make them possibilities. I feel that all of the Secret Mamas are that for each other. In our community we support each other, share with each other, and most importantly encourage each other to "break the ceiling and raise the ground" for all women.

So now when I ask myself what would I do if I weren't afraid, I am saying...I want to Change the Game and Lean In!

Gray Mama

[images taken (poorly) by East End Mama]

BlogHer Day One

Four out of the six moms made it to BlogHer.

We met for free coffee at the Porter lounge just bursting with the excitement of being both away from our kids and with the prospect of bringing our blog to the next level. Being busy moms we were all a little hazy on what exactly we were entering in to and what we were supposed to do. Luckily - there's an app for that! So off we went with the BlogHer schedule to create our days.

After making our way from airport to Metro to hotel to sandwich to conference centre, I headed into a roundtable discussion on women, work, and the glass ceiling. It was super funny, insightful, and most importantly honest. I kind of wish I hadn't rushed out to the next thing, but oh well!

Here are just a few pearls of wisdom that I took from them that I want to share:

• So many of us are trying to keep with with the ideals of who we think our mothers (and fathers) were, only to discover that we are remembering it all wrong. @LisaBelkin
• A good family life is planned and intentional - it doesn't happen by accident. - Stacey Ferguson
• Be engaged with your kids, don't multitask, and make eye contact. @JenWeigel

After a whirlwind walk of the trade show floor (free stuff! wine!) we are now seated waiting for the Voices of the Year address. We are all furiously typing into our phones, trying to assemble our thoughts and capture the experience.

So far, so good... But with these ladies, how could you go wrong?

Cheers!

-Tightrope Mama

(images by Drama Mama)

Rocking the Do's on the BlogHer13 Shuttle

I haven't been out for a while -- clearly I'm not the only one. The ladies are rockin' the do's on the BlogHer '13 shuttle. We're travelling from hard-core conferencing at the convention centre cross town to the Sheraton Hotel ballroom.

Today we strode from conference room to room, dropping our cards in secret places, moving through the tides, passing by bloggers...some of them with their children -- strollers, toddlers (they brought them? really?). Do we grimace? Ache, perhaps, for our own? Underneath our promises of "this is our time, us time, we are furthering our thing - right?" having left Them behind. But WE are the babies here... This is our turn to be moved around, fed, taught. We are being submersed in this, our childless world, to scramble through the Chicago miasma of cabs and colours, conference rooms and coffee cups, swag bags and doctors who want to help you stop bleeding.

But only women bleed.

And a huge amount of us blog.
Apparently.
Humorously.
Wonderfully.

In our private moments, our private rooms. Our private pains and pleasures...

Now, under one roof. The writers come out of the closet. The girls have a night out.

And as we sit, listening to the inspirational American pop divas filtering through this big ballroom.

Like:
"We're beautiful, no matter what they say. Words won't bring us down."

(Thank you, Christina.)

We wait...

...for the tardy Latifah to introduce the top 12 blog posts of 2013.

We learn. We wade through advice about plug-ins, HTML, and punch lines. We are new here.

Are you?

-Drama Mama

(images by Drama Mama)

Leaving on a Jet Plane…FRIDAY!

Four of us mamas are off to the BlogHer conference in Chicago this Friday, July 26. As the week is winding up, I am getting a bit anxious about what I should bring to this conference, and thought it might be an interesting exercise to blog about it. Here we go.

Well, there are the basics, which I am not going to list, like toiletries, perfume, undies, and a grown-up bra. And some Spanx, of course!

I was debating about bringing my computer. Being that we are going to a blogging conference, I thought it was a necessity, but my computer is ancient and weighs twenty pounds. So I opted for a pad of paper and a couple of nice pens. One of the other mamas will have to bring a computer since we are planning to blog while we are there.

There are two major parties at the conference, and this took me by surprise. And made me think I have nothing to wear — damn! We’ve decided to go out for dinner on the Friday, just the ladies, so I can wear something I already have. But this party Saturday night at the conference — the pictures show women in very formal gowns and such. I first off do not own a gown, and second off…I am in no shape to fit into a form-fitting beauty from some high-end shop. So I used some birthday money and picked up a cute dress and shoes that I hope do the trick.

Finally, I plan to bring my camera. I have been very lazy about taking photos these days and I want to participate in the digital camera seminar at the conference. I plan to take photos, Mamas! But the ones that are just for us will stay that way. : )

Gray Mama

P.S. Tightrope Mama, bring your breast pump!

The Best of Secret Mother - My Spark

I recently read an amazing story about the sacrifice mothers make for their children.

It is a (possibly true) story of a mother who was found dead in the rubble after the

earthquake in Japan. After she was pronounced dead, rescuers searched her body and

found a baby. The baby was protected by her body and was still alive after many days

in the rubble. Just to pull at the heart strings a bit more, they found a cell phone with a

message typed on it: “If you survive, remember I love you very much.” Yeah, I know.

Crazy, right? Especially if it’s true.

Recently my mother told me that she’s noticed I have lost my “spark.” She said that as

a child and young adult, I was always a dreamer. I was curious about everything and

I had my own path, and she felt I had lost that wonderment. In her infinite WISDOM,

she suggested that I try to figure out a way to get the spark back before I lose myself.

Although my mother was being very critical — and clearly was not thinking about the

possible role she may have played in dulling my spark — it made me think about the

sacrifices I’ve made as a result of becoming a mother, and what effect they’ve had on

my being and identity.

My spark: is it gone or does it just have a different twinkle?

I do remember the days when I was able to spend time thinking about the world in

a wide-eyed, naïve way. And had time to sit and chat about the world over a couple

of pints or a nice dinner. Today my schedule is a lot more structured and focused. I

have minimal waking time for the important things: my son Lo, my partner, my work,

my school, my family, and my friends. And yes, in that order. Yeah, I am definitely

exhausted and the energy required for my spark to shine has dimmed, but I do not think

it is gone. I think it just flickers differently.

Today my spark shines when Lo says “Mamma,” when Lo stares at me for a couple of

seconds and then kisses me, when Lo grabs for my hand, when Lo hums the tune I am

humming, when Lo laughs, when Lo hugs me so tight both arms are wrapped around

my neck, when Lo notices something new, when Lo is delighted by me and my husband

hugging or kissing (which is not very often), when Lo offers a toy to a child who is upset,

and when Lo attempts to say “I love you.”

So MOTHER, my spark is not gone. It now has a different shade, and is lit up by the

new things that are important to me now. Maybe one day I will be that dreamer, that

carefree person I used to be. But I am thinking that maybe that is unlikely. And maybe

that is okay, right?

- Gray Mama

[image: Spark by KunstFabrik_StatikMovement Manu Jobst]
originally posted: 23/04/2012

More Reasons to Smile

Here are some good little things from around the web:

A must-read piece on new motherhood 

A fun kiss map 

If you are still working on your garden and containers are your thing, check out seven secrets to a successful container garden 

A new book that explains the birds and the bees business rather well...and it's illustrated by artist Fiona Smyth

And this made me laugh out loud

-Secret Weapon Mama

The Best of Secret Mother - Bitchy Lions

Lately a lot of people (okay, only women) have been asking me, “So…what is

going back to work really like?”

Most of the people (women) who ask me this are childless, because women who

have children know the answer: It. fucking. sucks. Full stop.

There is never a moment of my long, monotonous, caffeine-infused day when

I don’t feel like I am disappointing someone. Here are the most common living

beings affected by my guilt:

W

My husband

My dog

My friends

My family

My boss and co-workers

Honestly, I feel like I am adding my boss and co-workers out of responsibility

— I don’t care too much if they go home cursing me. Everyone else on the list,

however…I hate feeling like I could have done more for them at any given time.

Maybe I should back it up — I am supposed to be writing about work, not guilt.

(But oh, the guilt, pulling at me…)

So…here I am a few years ago at 25 with my new job — work, work, work, get

promoted, work, work, get a raise, work, work, get pregnant, work, work, get

heartburn, work, work, leave work to have a baby four years after all the work,

work I mentioned above.

I work with women, a LOT of women, NONE of whom have children. Great.

So, all the women are so “happy” for me, they throw me a shower before I take

leave and call or write me one-line emails every few months just to check in and

gush over baby. (He is fabulous; I’ll give them that.)

If this were a movie script, this is where the scene of rapidly turning calendar

pages would be to denote my maternity leave whizzing by at breakneck speed.

Okay, 365 days of government pay (thank you, government!) is over —

back to work. I lost sleep for weeks, if not months, before going back to the

land of security tags, email logins, and meetings. I would cry and beg my

husband, “Can’t I please go back to waitressing? Please??” (For the record,

while he would have been okay with that, I think he was right to suggest that it

wasn’t the best idea I ever had.)

So, Monday morning comes…the dreaded Monday. W and I get up, I hold in

tears all through shower and diapers and even the daycare drop-off. I will never,

ever forget the kind, kind daycare woman (with over 25 years’ experience, and a

daughter in law school — yeah, she knows her stuff) who took W from my arms

as he screamed and clawed and grasped for me. She looked at me and said, “It’s

okay, Mommy — he’s safe.” I wanted to scream, “He’s NOT safe! He needs ME,

not YOU!” But of course she was right; he was safe.

I, however, was entering a den of bitchy lions.

I didn’t cry at work until the first long weekend came. All the bitchy lions (BLs)

were going to their cottages (presumably to throw darts at posters of pregnant

women). I really didn’t have too much to do at the office since everyone had

assumed I would need at least three weeks to turn my brain back on after

my “year off.” I knew I was going to be the only person in the office that Friday,

so I timidly asked my boss if I could possibly also take a vacation day.

“No.” She didn’t skip a beat — it “wouldn’t look good.”

TO WHOM? NO ONE WILL BE HERE!

“Okay,” I thought. “I suppose that makes sense. I should really try to look like I

care. I will work.”

And so I did. Alone. The first of many points to be scored by Team BL.

This is merely installment number one of the BL saga. There will be more to

come. It took me a while to clue in, but the BLs think I am different and therefore

treat me differently. The changes are subtle, but they are there. I, like any

woman, spend hours replaying conversations in my head and making excuses

for why the BLs are treating me so differently. The jury is still out. And so, “How is

work?” you ask. Honestly, I’m still deciding how I feel — but most days it fucking

sucks.

-Tightrope Mama

[image: lions. by Rachel Kathleen]

[originally posted: 04/05/12]

Coming Down with the Flu

I have had the flu three times since January. Which is probably more times then I have had the flu in the last decade. I even had a flu shot (discussion for another time, I know). I am not telling you this to elicit sympathy, but I can’t help thinking, “Why me? Why, as a mom of two kids under three, do I have to be the one debilitated in bed with terrible nausea and a splitting headache?” My husband’s answer came in one word: stress.

Twenty-four hours before this last round with the flu, here are the things that happened: I screamed at my husband in front of my kids (about Twitter), my husband was sued (again), and I had a long, heart-wrenching talk with a friend about my fear of quitting my job. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to lie down — for 24 hours — in the dark. I texted the babysitter, she luckily came, and my husband had to cancel work that night.

I haven’t ever felt this way before. I feel really weak. Physically and mentally. I can’t keep track of the things I used to have no problem with. I think about money and work constantly. I am far to attached to my iPhone. I really feel at a loss. I know a lot of life changes are coming and some are really exciting. But some just make me so scared. Parenting, I can handle. My kids, I get them. But life is really pulling me in some less than pleasant directions of late. What can I do, mommies? Women? Friends? Please don’t say do a yoga class. If I only had time…

I know this is a moment in time, which is why I feel comfortable sharing it with all of you. I know it will pass, but this is the point, right? We share the hard things too.

Tightrope Mama

[image: Ditsy Flowers by Poppy & Red]