On My Own

I have been left to parent on my own now a good few times. My partner has to leave for work or pleasure while I stay home and tend to the house and Lo. As time goes on, it appears to get more and more challenging.

Don’t get me wrong; I have a million privileges that thousands of single mothers do not have, such as a partner most of the time, a good job, day care, etc. I am still struggling with the fact that it is so challenging. Millions of women before me had the traditional role of staying home and caring for a child, and as time went on they had part-time jobs and then full-time jobs. They do it all — with struggle, I know. But why is it I am struggling so much with being on my own and parenting this time around?

I feel so guilty about my lack of patience with Lo these days. He is being three and challenging me at every turn. He is very physical these days and hits and swipes everything away — even my hand when I try to help him. He is into “I don’t like you, Mommy” and “I am not your friend.” I try so hard to just deal with the age and stage, but I am struggling with it all and feel as if I cannot manage.

When he hits me, I feel disrespected, and it hurts sometimes. When he says he does not like me over and over — it begins to feel crappy. I know he is a child and figuring it all out and does not mean any of it — really. Unfortunately my own self esteem hang-ups kick in and my frustration increases — and, well, I blow.

I yelled at Lo the other day and used his whole name for the first time in a fury. I never thought I would do that. My mother used to say my whole name every time I was REALLY in trouble, and I use to panic every time.  Now I am doing it.

I miss having a partner and I am not sure what I would do if I had to do it alone. I need the break and the support of someone else. It becomes so clear when I am on my own and struggling.

Gray Mama

[image: Parent & Child by Lut Brackx]